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Monday, 08 September 2008

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Compassionate Communication

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Written by Rev. Jan Chase

The more we
listen to our heart
intelligence; the
more “educated,
balanced and coherent
our emotions become.

For centuries, the heart has been considered as either a physical pump, the seat of the emotions, or as the metaphysical doorway to our connectedness as ONE in God. However, recent discoveries, as described by Childre and Martin in their book, The Heartmath Solution, have found a connection between the three: the heart has its own nervous system, “a brain in the heart.” It has at least forty thousand neurons (nerve cells) similar to and exceeding some centers in the brain. According to Joseph Chilton Pearce in his book, The Biology of Transcendence, the heart generates hormones to keep us in harmony with earth and each other.

The heart intelligence and brain intellect each act on its own––when both act together there is harmony. The more we listen to our heart intelligence; the more “educated, balanced and coherent our emotions become.”
How do we listen to our “heart intelligence”? Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has developed a simple system for being with loved ones or enemies in ways that open the heart intelligence to create win/win solutions to relationship challenges. Marshall calls it Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, which is the title of his book.

The first step involves observing what is happening, without evaluating it––no judgments, no opinions. Learn to notice and state the particular happenings is great for creating deeper communication.

The second step in “Compassionate Communication” is awareness and expression of your own feelings linked to what you have observed. It is important to know feelings are not good or bad, they just are. They are what is “alive in you” in the moment. Although we do not want to be “stuck” in any particular emotion, it is critical for our own health and the health of our relationships to “feel” them skillfully and to be able to let others know how their actions affect us, either positively or negatively. It is, also, important to hear the emotions of others, letting them know you are sensitive to the emotions behind their upsets.

The third step in this communication from the heart involves discovering the needs from which the emotions have arisen. Our culture has not been educated in a language of our needs. Some basic categories of needs include Autonomy, Celebration, Integrity, Interdependence, Physical Nurturance, Play, and Spiritual Communion. When we discover and name our basic need that is being met or not being met, we tune into a universally relatable concept. The “Ahha’s” show up and the hearts come together in compassionate ways.

It is then we are in a position to make a request of the other which would enrich our life, without demanding. It is the time to state what concrete action you would like taken: “Would you be willing to….?” This fourth and final step goes two ways, as you empathetically receive that which would enrich your life, without hearing it as a demand. “Would you like….?”

These four simple steps reprogram our minds to create heart-centered relationships where we can be authentic and honest, and yet where one does not come from a place of blame or judgment. This formula creates Win/Win outcomes. Marshall Rosenberg has used it to bring warring tribes in Africa together by helping them see each other’s common needs, thus ending decades of suffering and destruction. It has been used in school systems here and abroad, in family disputes, and to meditate conflicts between nations.

Of all the materials I have worked with, I think this is the most practical way to create inner peace, peace in our relationships and peace in the world.

Please join us Wednesday evenings at 7:30 pm at Unity Church of Pomona, beginning Jan 10th as we study and practice these simple steps to bring down walls in our relationships, rather than fortifying them.

REV. JAN CHASE is minister of Unity Church of Truth, Pomona. www.unityofpomona.org • 524 E. Pasadena, Pomona. Please Call to Register for Classes: 909-629-3035

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