Think of all the movies with this as their main message:
Gone With The Wind
A Love Story
Message in a Bottle
Legends of the Fall
Romeo and Juliet
I could go on and on with this list. It encompasses all types of people, rich and poor, young and old, smart and well, not so smart. It is not limited to time periods, from biblical times to modern times to future times. Nor are age groups limited. From Harold and Maude to On Golden Pond. Everyone gets the opportunity to look for and have this type of everlasting love. It is being touted as the one thing that will make you happy forever, if only you find that one true love.
We hear religions preach to the masses about how important it is to find love and get married. How many TV movies are about Eros love. We are bombarded daily from the time we are little to the day we die about how important it is for us to find happiness through Eros love. We are taught to continually seek and search for this one person so that we can be fulfilled and happy.
Look at the fairy tales we grew up with representing the Eros theme:
The Little Mermaid
These fables are training us to believe that finding your one true love will result in your happiness forever and ever. It puts the focus on this enduring, sacrificing, long suffering love story. The heart of these stories is the challenge in finding and capturing your suitable mate. The longing for this person is what makes the story. These stories usually end when the two lovers finally agree to share their lives forever. This really is the beginning of a true love story, not the end. Eros love makes us believe the requirement to giving us a perfect fairy tale ending is for that one person to commit to you. Is finding your one true love the way to generate love in your life forever and ever? Let’s keep looking.
Think about all the self help books teaching us how to keep this wonderful Eros love. Why do we need all these books and guidelines and seminars to help us keep this forever. I don’t recall Cinderella or Snow White reading any of these books. What message are we missing in the fairy tale? If the characters in the movies and books stay together in love forever and they don’t need marriage counseling why don’t they tell us how to do this? They aren’t telling the whole truth. Maybe there is a reason we want to believe these fairy tales as fact. What would be the purpose in that? It may be that it is just easier to find our fulfillment in another. There is a feeling of euphoria from Eros love. It mimics the feeling of being connected to universal love. As we search for feelings that make us complete and fulfilled, it is so much easier to grab the quick fix in a relationship of the Eros type. Our yearning for that “fairy tale” love is actually a yearning to get back to our connectedness with spirit.
How many people do you know in your life that have this type of relationship that allows each person to grow into the best person they can and is not about power or control struggles. A relationship that does not have one person submitting to the other. A relationship that does not pull you away from your individual path of evolution? While traditional relationships may have worked in the past, there is a thirst for a different type of relationship for many who want to stabilize their relationship with themselves first. Completeness cannot be found in another person. That is why so many relationships do not endure. You find euphoria in the other, and then one day wake up and still feel incomplete. You begin to be disappointed in your mate for not being the cure for completing you. Completeness comes from developing a connection to yourself which links you to unconditional love. A love of the entire universe. A love from the universe.
Eros love seems limited and maybe even a bit selfish. Eros love can die. It can go sideways. It can stop. Just look at the divorce rate. Some statistics state it is over 50%. Half of all marriages end in divorce. The percentage climbs for 2nd and 3rd marriages. This percentage rate isn’t even accounting for live-in relationships. Many couples choose to stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship. They may not be in the divorce statistics but could be categorized as still being unhappy and wanting something more or different in their lives. Even though their dream of a happily ever after has vanished, they may endure a marriage that is no longer promising them that happiness that was their hope in the beginning.
Usually after a breakup comes pain. Many experience a massive, deeply painful grief. It is the dread of “oh no! Wonder if that was my one and only person to whom I will ever be able to find happiness. Wonder if I never find another love again. What am I going to do with my life now?” The fear (irrational) of thinking that your one chance at finding that eternal bliss on earth just walked out the front door can be overwhelming. Overwhelming enough to stay in the relationship and suffer. The fear of living alone, maybe even dying alone can also be a reason to tolerate the relationship. A relationship may be the distraction keeping you from having to live your life to your potential. If that excuse is taken away from you, now what do you do? That is a scary prospect for some. When there is a break-up, it will be those same fears that sends you out searching again for another true love.
Let’s take a look at Agape love. Agape means love for many. It has been written that it is the highest and purest form of love. It comes from your spirit, not your ego. It is a freer type of love demanding nothing in return. It doesn’t go away. It does not die. It is forever. There are no restrictions and expectations coming from Agape love.
I have nothing against Eros love. It can be beautiful and rewarding and breathtaking to be in love. What I want to point out is that we as a society are not relating the importance of Agape love. Our children and youth are not being taught about the virtues of Agape love. Media, family, religion and friends have been teaching us that to find true happiness you need to find it through a love relationship (Eros). I would like it if these same sources would include the advantages of agape love as being just as important if not more important, in obtaining happiness and completeness as Eros love.
Agape is unconditional love. Unconditional love is loving with your soul, your inner being. Your inner being has no judgment. When you love unconditionally that means you love with no boundaries or conditions. This type of love comes from a place where there are no judgments. Your ego has a lot of judgment and conditions. Your spirit has none.
Your ego is the one who says I can only love someone if she thinks like me. Or if he makes as much money as me. They have to be of the same faith as me. She has to be blonde, brown or red hair. They can not be overweight, unhealthy, be unemployed. They have to be attractive, young, smart. Your ego is the one making the list for you on who you can love. There is nothing wrong with this list. But it is not coming from your divine source. Let’s start teaching our children that Eros love is not the only thing to be on the lookout for when searching for fulfillment. Let’s start teaching and learning how to love with our spirit.
Namaste is a beautiful word. I love this word. It translates into “the spirit in me, loves/respects the spirit in you.” Wouldn’t that be a wonderful place to be seen from? To have someone love you just for being you. Just for understanding that this life is not always easy and we make choices that we might have wished we had not. That we can be weak and vulnerable or stupid and cranky. Then someone comes along and tells us that the spirit inside of them understands all this and loves us anyway. And knows that you are on your path or journey in this life and you are exactly where you need to be and that is ok. And they love you anyway. And wherever you are on that path is just where you are and there is room to improve, but they love you anyway. Agape love has no judgments for anything you have done or are doing.
Someone loving with Agape love, just understands and knows that this is your life. They respect your journey and have compassion for whatever that leads you to. They want nothing from you. No demands that you act this way or that way. Everything is just fine the way it is and the way you are. You are a light being, a spiritual essence that deserves this unconditional love for your travels here on earth. After all, this life is just an illusion. Reality is this Agape love and reality exists in this Agape love. Being loved unconditionally helps you find your balance in this world.
Would that not be the most amazing kind of life to have. Having people in your life that loves you in this manner? Isn’t that more of a healing kind of love? Unconditional love is more meaningful for us as a society, than Eros love. I think it is what the world is lacking. We see Agape love in action when tragedy strikes. Think of 9/11, Katrina, the tsunami in Indonesia. We saw Agape love at work. People were just loving and connecting and finding ways to help without judgment. It is in all of us all of the time. It is too bad that it takes a tragedy for it to be found. It would be wonderful if we could start sharing this type of love with those in our life and those who happen to pass through our life. Seeing a mother struggle with a crying baby in the market, instead of wishing she would get the child to stop screaming so you won’t have to hear it, you could send this unconditional love to her and the baby. We don’t know what her journey consists of. She could be abused by her husband at home. She could not have enough money to even buy formula or food for her family. With Agape love it doesn’t matter. We honor her and send her this energy of non judgmental love for her just being here in front of you. You get the opportunity to send her healing love.
It would be great to see more movies built around a person who experiences this. To explore what a life like this would be like. To show how gratifying it is to live an ordinary or extraordinary life exuding this type of passion. There is enough room in this world for both types of love to be explored in the media and in real life.
Understand that having both types of love creates balance in your life. Having the choice of having both Eros and Agape love to come from, opens up your options to have a more inclusive way of being. If you want more of this in your life find ways to practice agape love. Next time you have a friend who calls you and is struggling through a difficult time, practice listening with Agape love. Don’t tell this friend what to do, or how to think. Remember who you are, a light being full of Agape love. Practice being this light being by listening to your friend from this loving part of yourself. Listen to them with your heart. Talk to them with this part of your being. Agape love has no judgment for what you are hearing, it only has compassion. Let them know you are there for them and do not judge the situation. This is their journey in life, we are here to support them through this. Help those in your life find their way to their own answers. You can feel the difference when you talk with Agape love. You can see the difference in the person you are talking to. They can be themselves and do not have to spend any energy hiding in shame. When you give a person the safety of being their authentic self, warts and all, it is an expression of your unconditional love. Now go out into your world and find ways to practice this and put this loving energy into the world.
Robyn Wright, MSW, is a marriage and family therapist/transformational coach. She focuses on guiding others to their own wisdom using many modalities including intuition, NLP, and past life/future life regression. She is available for sessions via phone - (909) 243-4536
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