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Jan/Feb 2003 Life Lessons: The Lesson of Fear by David Kessler

David Kessler is the director of Palliative Care for Citrus Valley Hospice in West Covina and co-author of LIFE -LESSONS: Two experts on death and dying teach us about the mysteries of life and living, with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Amazon named it one of the best spiritual books of the year.

We’re afraid of many things in life, such as public speaking, dating, and even admitting we’re lonely sometimes. In many cases it’s easier not to try rather than to be rejected and deal with the feelings underneath. Indeed, fears are tricky because they are so well-layered, one on top of the other. Each can be peeled away until you get down to the bottom fear, the foundation on which all the others rest. And that’s usually the fear of death.

Suppose you’re extremely worried about a project at work. Peel away that fear and underneath you’ll find the fear of not doing well. Underneath that you’ll find successive layers: fear of not getting the raise, of losing your job, and then finally fear of not surviving, which is essentially the fear of death. The fear of not surviving underlies many of our financial and job-related fears.

Suppose you’re afraid to ask someone out on a date. Beneath that fear is the fear of rejection; and underneath that is the fear that there won’t be someone for you. Underneath that is the fear that you’re unloveable, and if you’re not loved, can you possibly survive?When people have inadequacies, the bottom-line fear is “I’m not enough.” Why do people stand in corners at parties not talking to anyone? Because they fear they’re not good at meeting and talking to others at parties, which means they fear they’re not enough. Other people are charming enough, other people are pretty enough, sweet enough, interesting enough, but these people fear they are not

It all boils down to the fear of death, arguably the cause of most of our unhappiness. We unknowingly harm our loved ones out of fear; we hold ourselves back personally and professionally for the same reason. Since every fear has its roots in the fear of death learning to relax about the fear surrounding death will allow us to face everything else with greater ease.

The dying are facing that ultimate fear, the fear of death. They are facing that fear and they realize that it does not crush them, that it has no more power over them. The dying have learned that fear doesn’t matter; but for the rest of us, it is still very real.

If we could literally reach into you and remove all your fears––every one of them––how different would your life be? Think about it. If nothing stopped you from following your dreams, your life would probably be very different. This is what the dying learn. Dying makes our worst fears come forward to be faced directly. It helps us see the different life that is possible and, in that vision, takes the rest of our fears away.

Unfortunately, by the time the fear is gone most of us are too sick or too old to do those things we would have done before, had we not been afraid. We become old and ill without ever trying our secret passions, finding our true work, or becoming the people we’d like to be. If we did the things we’re longing to do, we would still be old and ill one day––but we would not be filled with regrets. We would not be ending a life half-lived. Thus, one lesson becomes clear: we must transcend our fears while we can still do those things we dream of.

To transcend fear, though, we must move somewhere else emotionally; we must move into love.

Happiness, anxiety, joy, resentment––we have many words for the many emotions we experience in our lifetimes. But deep down, at our cores, there are only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions come from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety, and guilt.

It’s true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear, but it’s more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time. They’re opposites. If we’re in fear, we’re not in a place of love. When we’re in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear. Can you think of a time when you’ve been in both love and fear? It’s impossible.

We have to make a decision to be in one place or the other; there is no neutrality in this. If you don’t actively choose love, you will find yourself in a place of either fear or one of its component feelings. Every moment offers the choice to choose one or the other. And we must continually make these choices especially in difficult circumstances when our commitment to love, instead of fear, is challenged.

Having chosen love doesn’t’ mean you will never fear again. In fact, it means many of your fears will come up to finally be healed. This is an ongoing process. Remember that you will become fearful after you’ve chosen love, just as we become hungry after we eat. We must continually choose love in order to nourish our souls and drive away fear, just as we eat to nourish our bodies and drive away hunger.

All of our invented fears involve either the past or the future; only love is in the present. Now is the only real moment we have, and love is the only real emotion because it’s the only one that occurs in the present moment. Fear is always based on something that happened in the past and causes us to be afraid of something we think may happen in the future. To live in the present, then, is to live in love, not fear. That’s our goal, to live in love. And we can work toward that goal by learning to love ourselves. Infusing ourselves with love begins the washing away of our fears.

Hospice & Bereavement Services

Citrus Valley Health Partners
820 N. Phillips Ave, West Covina, CA 91791
These classes are free, but you must
pre-register. 626-814-2479 / 888-456-2847
www.cvhp.org

Hospice Open House
Tour the Citrus Valley Hospice Facility.
• Thur / 2-4pm

Grief Outreach
For anyone over 18 who has lost a loved one through death.
• Six Wednesdays, Beginning Jan 22 7-9pm

Children’s Bridge
Children ages 7-11 will learn how to cope with the loss of a loved one.
• Call number above for more info.

Adolescents Bridge
adolescent ages 12-17 will learn how to cope with the loss of a loved one.
• Call number above for more info.

Road to Survival
A support group for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one.
• Ten Tues - beg Jan 28 10-Noon
• Ten Thurs - beg Jan 23 7-9pm
• Ten Tues - beg Apr 22 10-Noon
• Ten Thurs - beg Apr 17 7-9pm