Adapted from the Lion/Unicorn theory of relationships developed by Mark Waller. Instinctively we either approach or withdraw when we are stirred to action. In relationships approachers and withdrawers get together and become entangled in a dance of pursuit and avoidance. Untangling this “dance” reveals the secret of our being. This column encourages awareness and awakening by revealing the “Dance of the Lion & the Unicorn.”

 I am watching Jeff leave my office. His last words still ring in my ears, “I have never shared my feelings with anyone. That’s just the way I am.” I have heard many patients in my counseling office say those words before––”That’s Just the Way I Am.”

It triggers the question in my mind, how do we become just the way we are? For decades researchers have addressed this question. Is it Nature or Nurture? Does our personality manifest mainly from our genes or is it a result of early childhood development? For Jeff it doesn’t matter. For the full force of his defenses, want him to stay just the way he is with no questions asked. He is still in the blame stage of life. It must be other people that are the problem not anything inside of him.

But for seekers, learners, and growers Jeff’s strategy won’t work. We want more. We want fulfillment, we want to know the meaning of life. But like Jeff, so many of us don’t feel it necessary to look deeply inside at our Nature or our Nurture. We feel that some form of spiritual practice will allow us to leap over those things.

Since I am trained in the world of psychology, it is natural for me to put a great emphasis on Nurture--the people who come to my office are in emotional pain due to the woundedness they carry from their early childhood experiences. In some cases these experiences are the tragedy of abuse. But, often they are just the daily living in imperfect families with well-meaning parents and a child’s needs and expectations. Never-the-less the impact of those early years is profound.

Current research shows that the nonverbal right hemisphere of a child in its first year learns to decode the mother’s entire nervous system simply by observing the minute nonverbal cues that come from the mother’s right hemisphere in her facial expressions. This emotional, nonverbal exchange literally wires up a primitive part of the brain called the Limbic System, which forms critical circuits with the Orbital Frontal Cortex just above the right eye socket. The result is a series of automatic strategies and models that form the basis of interpersonal relationships for the rest of the child’s life.

But wait! There is more! I have completely forgotten Nature. In my zeal to be the best therapist I can be I have overlooked the very nature of the person. Another more descriptive word for this is Temperament. It turns out that instinctively half of us deal with the world dramatically differently that the other half. For some of us, our initial reaction to what happens around us is to withdraw cautiously and then to engage the world. The other half of us immediately engage or move toward what stimulates us. This Approach/Withdrawal paradigm is well known to researchers of temperament in children.

I call the approachers, Lions and the withdrawers, Unicorns. And since they nearly always get married to one another, In my office, I deal with people’s basic natures a lot. For instance when Jeff told me he never shares his feelings, I knew he was a withdrawer. That is a distinctly Unicorn trait.

The sum total of Nature and Nurture converge in the primitive, automatic center in the brain. These two facets conspire to keep us on automatic pilot. Eventually we get addicted to being on autopilot. It’s easy, it’s effortless and we teach our children to do the same by using phrase like, “That’s just the way I am.”

There is one glaring problem with this style of living. Our automatic brain is geared toward survival. It is tied directly to the nexus of violence, rage, and attack in each one of us. It wraps itself around the thought of who we are and becomes a god known as Ego.

Freedom then becomes a meaty little problem that involves our Nature, and forms a continuum with the way we are Nurtured (or not). This sets up deep unconsciousness that prevents us from experiencing our true nature. We are often encouraged to be “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” This means far more than putting new mind stuff on top of the old stuff that already lives there.

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj says in I am That, “There is no second, or higher-self to search for. You are the highest self. Only give up the false ideas you have about yourself.”

I must remember to repeat that to Jeff. Believing that our nature and nurture––that our being Lions or Unicorns––is just the way we are, is false. Exposing Nature and Nurture as it functions in our minds in each moment leads to the discovery of our true Self.

Watch for more articles on the Lion and the Unicorn…see yourself within them…watch yourself change.