Boundaries & Consequences

There are tools and exercises that we can use to help the situations we are experiencing. The first one for the family or classroom is setting household/classroom boundaries. It is important for the whole group to be involved in setting the boundaries. Talk about what each person would like to see in his or her environment, talk about what they do and don’t like and then write them down. My family and I realized there were really only a few boundaries that, if followed, would make everyone happy. Some of them were: not physically hurting each other, (no hitting, kicking, etc.), being kind to each other (no hurtful words or yelling), respecting each other’s space and objects, clean up after self. We found these simple ones would eliminate most of the disharmony we were experiencing in our home. Then together you come up with consequences. I do not believe we need to punish, simply correct our mistakes and be responsible for the consequences of our actions.

It is important to write the boundaries and consequences down on charts so everyone can always see them and be reminded of their responsibilities. When someone acts out of the boundaries no emotion or fighting is needed, they are now responsible for the consequences. What helps to encourage following the boundaries is a rewards chart. You can create a chart to track and award points for positive behavior and acts. For every so many points they get a reward, like to watch their favorite movie, to go out to eat, or a special trip etc. The most important part of this tool is to be consistent.


Healthy Expression

Another great tool is to learn to release frustration in a healthy way. This can look different for each individual. Some may find a release through creative expression in the way of arts and crafts, being able to draw, paint, sculpt, or color. Singing and dancing are other options. Others may need a physical release such as sports, kicking or throwing a ball, running, possibly a hitting bag (pillows work). The key is learning to recognize the frustration and then choosing a healthy outlet. It is important that we give individual children an opportunity to find which method works best for them. Have the tools readily available so the children may have access to them as needed. It helps for us to find our own outlet for frustration and model our choice to release it in a healthy way.


Creating a Venting Corner

Creating a venting corner in your home or classroom is a great idea. Choose a spot that is conducive to this activity. In this space provide many alternative supplies and tools to use for a healthy release. When someone is taking their frustration or anger out on someone else, they are guided to the venting corner to release it. After they release the frustration in the venting corner more productive communication can take place outside the corner. In the venting corner you could provide large pieces of paper hanging up that they can write or paint on, there could be a soft bat or pillow, soft blocks to throw, balloons to blow up, a punching bag, music or anything else that they desire. When my older son exhibits a behavior of anger and frustration, I find it difficult to have productive communication. It helps for him to first go to his venting corner to express his anger and frustration in a healthy way. He might throw soft toys, say things he’s feeling, squeeze something, hit his pillow, blow it into a balloon or take some deep breaths. While he is venting, I take deep breaths and ask for guidance. Once he has released most of his imbalanced emotions he comes back and we talk about what happened. I ask him what he was really upset about and I help him to face his fears. Within minutes the whole situation seems transformed, when in the past it could last for hours.

It is important for children to understand that everyone experiences frustration and anger. What makes the difference is what we do with those feelings. All of these tools teach that we do not have to run from our emotions. We can release them in a healthy way and learn to balance them instead of acting them out. In doing this we also learn to take responsibility for our every thought and action, thus creating a reality that we desire.

Making transitions and changes in our family and classroom relationship do not have to be difficult. The keys in experiencing success are to first release all expectations, have lots of patience and be consistent. Support groups and classes can offer an opportunity to express what is being experienced, hear from others who are going through similar experiences and learn new tools to work with. This can be a tremendous healing in itself.

Remember you are not alone. You can ask for help at any time and are encouraged to do so. Have patience, for even if you do not see the growth immediately, the seeds have been planted. Welcome to the new world of freedom and empowerment!!


CAROLYN KAUFMAN is a Certified Spiritual Counselor, trained by Dr. Doreen Virtue. She is also the founder of The Children of Today, Free To Be ME Kids Camp and Rainbow Touch Healing. Through her own journey with cancer and lupus, she transformed her life. She works with Indigo children and counsels parents and teachers. For workshop dates or to schedule a program for your organization, or for details of the next Kids Camp visit www.thechildrenoftoday.org, e-mail tcot@thechildrenoftoday.org or call 562-907-9239.