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Mar/Apr 2003 Life Lessons: The Lesson of Fear by David Kessler

David Kessler is the director of Palliative Care for Citrus Valley Hospice in West Covina and co-author of LIFE -LESSONS: Two experts on death and dying teach us about the mysteries of life and living, with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Amazon named it one of the best spiritual books of the year.

Christopher Landon, son of the late actor Michael Landon, was sixteen years old when his father died in 1991. Christopher spoke about the effect losing his father had on him and his fears:

“As you would expect, his death had a huge impact on me. I look back with much longing. My dad was so bright and so charming and witty. There were so many sides to him––that the public didn’t get to see––that made the whole person that I knew.

“His death was the most important event in my life. It change me as a person. As a child, I was always very introverted, shy, and insecure. Growing up with someone who is bigger than life, you are always in their shadow. Then that shadow was pulled away one day.

“Noticing many of my fears fade after he died, got me thinking about death in general. When you love someone and they die, you form your first relationship with death. You come close to it, you are less afraid of it because you’ve been with it. I was with my father when he was dying, and after he passed away. I touched death and it touched me. It’s real to me now, it’s tangible. It’s also less frightening. Everything is less frightening. I am not afraid of the same things I was afraid of before my father died. I used to be so afraid of flying, I was a white-knuckle flier. My dad would laugh. After he died, that fear, and many others, subsided. I wasn’t conscious of it, but I started doing things completely out of character. I started being assertive and doing things I never did before.

“Before, every time I came to a crossroad, every time I had an opportunity to take a chance, to get ahead, I balked. I was afraid of failing, of looking like an idiot. So, I usually ignored the opportunity.

“Then he died, and I faced death. I realized you never know when you’re going to die, and that you should face every challenge with that understanding. I started feeling more comfortable in my shoes. No longer afraid of myself, of who I am and who I might be, I started to take some chances and do things. I wasn’t jumping out of airplanes or anything that drastic, but I left home and went to school in England. That was a big step for me, leaving the comfort and safety of my home. I’ve learned how to throw myself into the mix and see what happens. I am a firm believer that somehow pain translates into growth.”

What if we started taking some chances, if we stepped into our fears? What if we went further, if we were to pursue our dreams, follow our desires? And what if we allowed ourselves to experience love freely and to find fulfillment in our relationships? It may be hard to believe, but there is so much more to life than we let ourselves experience. So much more is possible when fear no longer holds us captive. Fear is a warning system that, on a primal level, serves us well. In potentially dangerous situations it is a protector. Without it, we would not survive long.

But when fear is not real, it can keep us up at night, it can keep us from living. It paralyzes us and weakens the spirit when left unattended. This type of fear is based in the past and triggers fear of the future. These invented fears do, however, serve a purpose: They give us the opportunity to learn to do it differently––to choose love over fear. If we can find our way through our fears, if we can take advantage of so many opportunities, we can live the life we have only dream about––without holding back.

Hospice & Bereavement Services

Citrus Valley Health Partners
820 N. Phillips Ave, West Covina, CA 91791
These classes are free, but you must
pre-register. 626-814-2479 / 888-456-2847
www.cvhp.org

Hospice Open House
Tour the Citrus Valley Hospice Facility.
• Thur / 2-4pm

Children’s Bridge
Children ages 7-11 will learn how to cope with the loss of a loved one.
• Call number above for more info.

Adolescents Bridge
adolescent ages 12-17 will learn how to cope with the loss of a loved one.
• Call number above for more info.

Road to Survival
A support group for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one.
• Ten Tues - beg Apr 22 10-Noon
• Ten Thurs - beg Apr 17 7-9pm