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Like atomic energy, communication can help us or destroy us. Unfortunately this tool, that humans have developed far beyond other life forms, is often used unconsciously and with little training or understanding. Therefore, misunderstandings abound, relationships sour, frustration mounts, walls go up, and feuds and wars break out.

Listening is half of the equation. For 50 years I thought that a good listener was one who could complete another’s sentences. For 50 years I believed that a good listener always had a better story than the one being told. For 50 years I spent time thinking about what I would say next while someone was speaking.

Finally someone presented me with lessons in loving communication, which pointed out roadblocks to communication that I unknowingly put up. Changing life-long listening habits has changed my life and my ability to really be present with others and to accept people just as they are right now, even if I don’t agree with them. Actually, especially if I don’t agree with them, for it enables me to get out of the way and hear things I might not like without becoming defensive, and that assists me in understanding another perspective.

Holy listening involves focusing on the speaker, focusing on the speaker’s feelings, letting the speaker know that s/he has been heard by verbalizing accurately what you have heard. This cyclic listening creates a flow of energy between the two, which is like communion.

 In Loving Communication the listener needs to be aware that the following responses hinder or stop communication: ordering, judging, preaching, lecturing, praising, shaming, analyzing, advising, diverting attention, or trying to fix.

The other half of the communication equation is speaking. I found that I indulged in a number of behaviors that made my communication less than honest, less than clear, less than direct, less than hearable: all of which I did thinking I was communicating well.

 Learning to speak within my experience and feelings, using “I” messages, I was better understood. By saying “I”, instead of saying “they” or “we” or “you”, I am claiming my personal power and taking responsibility for what I am saying. Others are less defensive and more able to hear.

Changing communication habits of a lifetime is doable. Any attempt I make to use these skills enhances relationships. I can be honest and at the same time get out of the way enough to be fully present for another. Miracles are made of this!

 JAN CHASE is the minister at Unity Church of Pomona.