Life - Lessons: My Father's Watch

August 2002
Life - Lessons: My Father's Watch by David Kessler

David Kessler is the director of Palliative Care for Citrus Valley Hospice in West Covina and co-author of LIFE -LESSONS: Two experts on death and dying teach us about the mysteries of life and living, with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Amazon named it one of the best spiritual books of the year.

I remember my father well: his bright face, the spark in his eyes, the warm smile, and the gold wristwatch with the black strap that seemed to be a part of his arm. I had never known a time when Dad and that watch were not in my life. My father knew I had always loved his watch.
Years ago, as my father was dying, I sat by his bedside, looking at him with tear-filled eyes as I said, “I don’t know how to say good-bye to you.”

My father replied, “I don’t know how to say good-bye to you, either. But I do know that I have to say good-bye to you and everything I have ever loved. Everything from your face to my home. I even looked out the window last night and said good-bye to the stars. Take my watch off,” he requested, pointing to his wrist.

&#No, Dad. You’ve always worn it.”

&#But it’s now time for me to say good-bye to it, and for you to wear it.”

I gently took the watch off his wrist and placed it on my own. As I gazed down at it, Dad said, “You will have to say good-bye to it someday, too.”

As the years passed, I never forgot those words. The watch has always been a bittersweet reminder of the temporariness of life. I rarely take it off. About six months ago I had a hectic day at work, then went to the gym with a friend. I showered at the gym, came home, did some work outside, showered again, and got dressed to go out for the evening. Upon going to sleep that night, I realized the watch was gone. For the next few days I searched everywhere.

I was simultaneously dealing with the loss of the watch that so strongly represented my father and my childhood, and the lesson about loss he had taught me. I had always known I would lose this watch someday, either through my own death or some other circumstances. I really had to sit with the feeling and knowledge of how temporary everything we have is, how it is truly on loan to us. As time went on, I got used to this concept and the inevitable loss that had occurred. Instead of focusing exclusively on the watch, I found other ways I was connected to my father and my childhood. I made peace with my father’s reminder that I, too, would say good-bye to everything someday.

Three months later, I spilled a glass of water on my nightstand. When I leaned over the bed to clean it up, I found the watch. It had fallen behind a bed railing. It is now back on my wrist, but I really understand that all our gifts are temporary. And in this saying good-bye to all, we find something inside ourselves that does not get lost.

Most things we own mean something to us not because of anything actually in the things themselves. Instead, they mean so much to us because of what they represent––and what they represent is ours forever.

David Kessler has helped thousands face life and death with peace, dignity and courage. His experiences have taken him from Auschwitz concentration camp to Mother Teresa’s Home for the Dying in Calcutta. David teaches therapists, doctors and nurses on grief and loss and leads a support group for people with cancer.
www.DavidKessler.org

August 2002

Life - Lessons: My Father's Watch

by David Kessler