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That dreaded phone call has come: the one that has changed your life forever. Your parent, spouse, or child is sick and needs constant care. And YOU are now the caregiver!

Initially, there may be denial regarding the extent of the family member’s illness. In my case, it was my mother. Her doctor claimed that she had Alzheimer’s. I didn’t believe him. What does he know? He calls himself a neurologist, but he doesn’t even know my mother. But I do and I know that she is just…humm, the list went on and on. I didn’t want to hear the brutal truth!

Finally, I accepted and helped care for my mother through the next eighteen grueling months. Thank God for the Alzheimer’s Support Group that I joined and for the members of that group. No one else in the world seemed to have a clue what it was like to see your mother’s memory wither up and die right in front of you. It reminded me of the lizard I had as a child, that I didn’t know how to care for. I watched him dehydrate and die and never thought to ask what to do. Luckily, as an adult, caring for my mother, I had the intelligence and maturity to reach out for support, to share my very mixed feelings with whomever I could, and to read the little bit of information available on the subject of Alzheimer’s.

I learned a lot. For one thing, I learned that friends who have two healthy parents don’t understand what you are going through. Caregiving can be a very complex undertaking. It can give you the opportunity on a daily basis to face the unhealed parts of your relationship. If you are caregiving out of guilt, it will show up. It was during my caregiving time that I finally grasped the meaning of the word “forgiveness.”

Because of the profound learning that caregiving afforded me and because I understand so well the challenges that face Caregivers, I have decided to dedicate much of my coaching practice to working with and supporting Caregivers. I think that the most important thing to remember when caregiving, is that you are a whole person, too. Do not lose sight of that! You also have unfulfilled dreams and needs. You also have limits. You need to laugh A LOT!

And the “ill” person is still a whole divine being, no matter how else it may seem.

Here is a simple list of basic needs of Caregivers. Please add any you can think of that will comfort you. If you are a Caregiver, I suggest you cut these out and paste them somewhere where you will read them often! If you are not a Caregiver but know one, please share this with them! Thank you!

The Caregiver’s Bill of Rights
By Joe Horne,Author of
Caregiving: Helping an Aging Loved One


I have the right…To take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of my relative.

I have the right…To seek help from others even though my relatives may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.

I have the right…To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything I reasonably can for this person, and I have the right to do some things for myself.

I have the right…To get angry, be depressed, and express other difficult feelings occasionally.

I have the right…To reject any attempts by my relatives (either conscious or unconscious) to manipulate me through guilt, and/or depression.

I have the right…To receive consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance for what I do for my loved one, for as long as I offer these qualities in return.

I have the right…To take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my relative.

I have the right...To protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my relative no longer needs my full-time help.

I have the right…To expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired persons in our country; similar strides will be made towards aiding and supporting Caregivers.

Pauline Sage is a Certified Personal and Professional Life Coach. She works by telephone with Caregivers and others who would like to face challenges more gracefully, achieve goals, pursue their dreams, feel more fulfilled, and have their divinity recognized. Pauline can be reached at coachpal@flash.net or (714) 751-HOPE (4673).Certified Personal & Professional Life Coach Pauline Thom has taught Anger Management in prisons and taught meditation to prisoners on how to see themselves and their world differently. A Course in Miracles coach & member of the International Coaches Federation, Pauline can be reached at (714) 751-HOPE (4673) or emailed at coachpal@flash.net